Was your last boyfriend a no-good cockroach? Did your latest fling leave you with a sting? Then the San Francisco Zoo has the perfect Valentine's Day gifts for your ex-lover, or in memory of the rotten relationship.
If your ex was, let's say, a sneaky charmer, then the desert scorpion might be the way to go.
"So the latest affair didn't work out and given your ex's record-breaking ability to move on, you suspect foul play," the scorpions' adoption page reads. "Well, nothing soothes the sting like the adoption of a giant hairy scorpion in honor of your former beloved. It's no surprise these invertebrates are aggressive, active and alarmingly nocturnal. Much like your low-life ex, they are usually found in and around low-elevation valleys where they dig elaborate burrows or 'caves.' Also just like you-know-who, when a suitable victim wanders by, the scorpion grabs the doomed creature with its pinchers and stings the prey. After the prey is immobilized, the scorpion tears the carcass apart with its pinchers and begins feeding. Charming."
Perhaps the former Mrs.-to-be just never grew up and you had enough. The zoo suggests you consider adopting a Madagascar hissing cockroach.
"Nothing says 'I've moved on' like adopting a giant cuddly cockroach in the name of your favorite ex," the zoo wrote. "This Valentine's Day, if you care enough to send the very best, you'll choose our charming Madagascar hissing cockroach package. The Madagascar hissing cockroach is believed to be the only insect that can hiss. They are excellent climbers and can scale smooth glass, therefore popping up in the most unexpected locations. The hissing cockroach is one of the largest species of cockroach, reaching 2 to 4 inches at maturity, but as we all know, some cockroaches just never seem to grow up."
If you have a beloved, you can adopt a cuter, cuddlier animal (and get the plush version). In addition to ring-tail lemurs, red pandas, black rhinos and other popular animals, the newest adoptable animal is the Snow Leopard.
The basic adoption level is $50, but if you want the plush version of your new adoptee, you need to jump up to the $100 level. "Your gift will be used to support the San Francisco Zoological Society and further our mission to connect people to wildlife, inspire caring for nature and advance conservation action," according to the Adopt-an-Animal page.
If you're feeling super generous, the donation levels go all the way up to "the $1,000 Founder Level," which includes a bounty of rewards including a collection of bracelets, park passes, and more - but don't expect to waltz into the park and ride a Sumatran Tiger.
"All adoptions are valid for one year and are renewable," the zoo's website explained. "'Adoption' does not imply ownership, naming right, or exclusive privilege with regards to a specific animal at the Zoo. If you have questions or if the animal of your interest is not on the list, please call (415) 753-7173 or e-mail Adopt-an-Animal@sfzoo.org."
