It is a sensitive topic that few people want to address. Bad things do not happen to us; they happen to others! Right? After a husband dies, a widow tends to withdraw into her little world. She will struggle to adjust to the new reality.

It's a natural grieving response to losing someone who may have been a lifetime partner. Widows are under great emotional stress. Their brain is functioning at less than 60% cognitive ability. Initially, friends and family wrap around the widow, but then they return to normalcy, leaving the widow with an empty house, an empty bed, and a broken heart.

Oregon-based certified financial planner, Wayne von Borstel, thinks women should take preemptive steps while their husbands are living. To protect and offer their future selves the flexibility to process emotions and move forward at their own pace. During his 37 years of helping people, talking with - and listening to - many women who wished they had paid attention to finances when their husbands were alive.

There are many exceptions, but with older couples, men take care of the finances. Women are busy with families, community, life, and those they love.

"Many widows told me I would be doing my married female clients a great service by educating them. Forcing them to listen to the experiences of the women who had suffered the death of their husband and be prepared," von Borstel said. However, he confessed, "some of those women admitted that even if I approach them with this advice while they were still married, they probably won't have listened because they were content and being alone seemed so improbable and far away."

Wayne von Borstel Listened to Women about What Worked for Them

Rather than simply suggesting an action plan for women, he listened to widows who took preemptive steps and those who didn't. From this, he has an idea of what worked and what didn't work.

One thought he heard from widows is to build a trusted team. This team may include a family doctor, CPA, financial planner, and estate attorney. The widow should build a relationship, participate, and know who they are. Know who she can trust!

Other women made plans to avoid isolating themselves and turning inward. Some uncluttered their lives, deciding they didn't need as many material possessions. Each dealt with their sorrow, loneliness, and emptiness differently. However, the women that enjoyed life the most were the ones that found something outside of themselves to participate in.

Steps That Every Married Woman Can Take Now

Based on what Wayne von Borstel has learned from his widowed female clients - professional experiences and family experiences - he recommends that married women consider advice from his female clients.

"There was some uniformity in the responses," he said - many women simply haven't considered what they would do if their husband, on whom they may be financially and emotionally dependent, were to die tomorrow.

To avoid getting blindsided, women should realize that they will likely outlive their husbands. They should get involved in family finances and know the family portfolio, the allocation, and the manager. 

Wayne encourages women to "sit in on meetings with the couple's financial advisor, at least occasionally... Be aware of accounts, checkbooks, and processes her husband relies on while they're both alive." This will help her function independently at his death.

If women feel lost when it comes to money, von Borstel suggests meeting with their financial planner and asking a list of questions. They could also participate in a webinar/class on finances and sit in on meetings with their husband. It may be boring or seem unimportant at the time, but if you are widowed - it will be critical information!

Every wife should understand what her income will look like when her husband dies. von Borstel knows families where the husband's pension disappeared when he died. If the cash flow is insufficient, plan to fill that void. This can be through work, life insurance, or saving more while the two of you are alive. Save enough to at least support the survivor of the couple - most often the woman.

We dread thinking about death, especially of a loved one. But the better prepared we are, the more preemptive we are with the actions we take, the better we will be no matter how far it seems or how healthy we appear as a couple. 

Wayne von Borstel's Approach to Helping Women Plan for "Being Alone"

von Borstel admitted that he often meets his clients after they become widows. His goal is to encourage more women to speak with a financial advisor to help them develop a plan while they are still married, healthy, and happy.

When a widow comes to see him, his goal is to help develop a strategy to find their new "normal" as soon as possible. They need time to heal emotionally (this can take years), adjust to their new "normal" and get healthy again. Initially, it seems like this will never happen! But having a plan, understanding your circumstances, and being aware of what you have will help you navigate that path to a new normal with less stress, worry, and frustration.

They need time to grieve, and we should always make space for that as they encounter anger, grief, guilt, fear, and everything in between, and know that amid the emotions - however understandable - it's often not the best time to make decisions. Despite that, as we go forward with those women finding themselves in a circumstance they never dreamt would be true, we gradually build and make choices to secure their future.

He said of his work with widows in Oregon, "I try to inspire women, help them find a purpose. Each person is different - they have a unique financial DNA, so I have to be cautious and make sure I'm listening closely to what she fears most. There may be so many facets to her situation that she finds it hard to identify 2 or 3 most pressing issues." So his job is to help clients set priorities in their unique circumstances.

As von Borstel described his relationship with his clients: "I provide the plan for them to move forward and create a new life. They knew they could trust me to tell them the truth, even if we occasionally disagreed or became frustrated with the options we had to sift through and contemplate. They acknowledge that what I told them was what they need to be thinking about and they had to deal with - even when they resisted it because it was difficult."

In closing, Wayne says, "I understand that many women run their family's financial circumstances. Maybe this article should be for the spouse not in control of the finances. But Wayne said, "My heart bleeds for the women emotionally destroyed at their husband's death. Specifically, those who have not planned well!"

Investment advisory services offered through von Borstel & Associates, Inc., an SEC Registered Investment Advisor.